I receive Karen Wright’s ezine, Waking Up. In this week’s ezine was the following article, which expresses a sentiment I have also long known to be so–it’s much easier for us to make peace with “what is” and get on with our lives than to fight it, causing ourself far more grief and frustration than justified. I encourage you to read and heed Karen’s message for us today, Learning to Love ‘What Is’.

You can learn more about Karen Wright at her website, www.wrightminded.com.

Now, here’s Karen’s message for us.

Karen Wright

Somewhere in our past – probably our long-ago past – we learned that if we resisted something it would go away. I envision a toddler throwing a temper tantrum. Kicking and screeching at that ear-shattering decibel that small children have mastered. Then a frustrated parent gives up whatever combative position they took. Just get a bit of peace. And the child learned the lesson — if I don’t like what’s happening, resist it with all my might and it will stop.

We may not be given to throwing temper tantrums as adults, but the operative belief still lingers — resist what you don’t want and it will end. It matters not that we’ve lived a lifetime unable to replicate that early-learned lesson. Somewhere deep inside, beyond any wisdom or reason, that two-year old’s mind is confident of its logic.

Anger, jealousy, resentment, frustration, regret. No matter how it shows up on your face or in your voice, what you’re feeling is the pain of resisting what is.

“I hate the rain!”

“She shouldn’t be doing that.”

“I shouldn’t have been fired.”

“Why can’t they make up their minds?”

Resistance to what IS. So, what’s wrong with that? Well, good question. After all, resistance is a pretty popular reaction to life’s less-than-lovely situations. Besides the fact that resistance fails to undo what is, it succeeds at making you miserable. Nice masochistic two-for-one return!

The more you resist what is, the more pain you feel. It would seem that our conscious adult mind would catch on to this losing game. But, old beliefs die hard. Particularly beliefs that operate under the mind’s radar. No awareness – no choice.

I think we resist what we don’t want because we’re not sure what else to do. Certainly accepting it can’t be right! That makes no sense at all. If we accept it, that’s the same thing as making it okay. And then it will never change. Or so the mind concludes.

But, perhaps we’ve been to quick to settle for this either/or polarity. (Either I resist or I accept) Like most things in life, this isn’t an either/or choice — it’s a process. Acceptance isn’t the end of change; it’s the beginning.

Accepting what is is the only sane choice in the moment. What is IS! You can’t close your eyes and wish it away. Not on this planet! If we replace the word accept with acknowledge, it might give us a bit more wiggle room to play with this idea.

So, acknowledging that it’s raining on my Hawaiian holiday isn’t going to make the sun come out, but it’s also not going to send me into depression. A good first step. Instead of fighting with my feelings and spoiling my entire vacation, I can say, “Okay, it’s raining. I’d rather have sun, but since it is what it is, how can I still have a good time on this vacation that I’ve spent the last year saving and planning for?”

Now, my actions can actually have some positive outcomes. I can free up my previously emotionally-hijacked mind to get creative about how to get the most from my holiday. Martyred depression can turn into a fun exploration of possibilities.

The process is clear:

1. Get real – what is IS! You can’t wish it away.

2. Remember your real desire – to experience the feeling of joy.

3. Decide, given what is, how to still feel that joy.

A rained-out holiday might not seem like much of a disaster compared to the situation going on in your head right now. A husband who’s leaving. A parent who’s dying. A job search that’s turned up exactly zero. But, no matter what the situation, the most effective way to deal with it doesn’t change. You still have two choices. Resist and suffer. Or accept and choose again.

Learn to love what is so that you’re never its victim again. Hanging onto resistance only disables you. When you accept what is, it frees up your creative energy to work toward real solutions.

In Joy & Partnership

Karen

You can learn more about Karen Wright at her website, www.wrightminded.com.

“When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history, it becomes more beautiful.” –Barbara Bloom

What’s a 7 letter word for setting a goal, trying through thick and thin to make it happen and realizing you’re just not going to make it?

F-a-i-l-u-r-e? That’s what most people might call it. Heck, that’s even what I’ve been calling it until recently. The dream I had invested my money, time, and heart into achieving is no closer today than it was eight years ago when I began. Failure.

But, here at the turning point…at the moment of acceptance, I do not see this as failure. This time, I see it as h-o-n-e-s-t-y.

Author Robert Holden, Director of the Happiness Project, calls this single-minded focus upon the achievement of our goals Destination Addiction. Those who can only see the end target, fail to appreciate the journey. To them, the journey is merely a means to an end. It’s only the “end” that’s valued.

Of course, anyone who has achieved a goal knows that the euphoria is short-lived. The moment the end is reached, a new goal takes its place and celebration fades in a mad rush toward the next end.

Eight years ago I began a new life; not fully formed in thought or reality. Like most, I was focused upon what I needed to DO in the world. I wanted to be of significant service to others. I wanted to free people of their fear shackles and provoke them into realizing how truly magnificent they really were. Sure, I also wanted to be well-known and respected for my own magnificence. My ego gets the better of me sometimes and I wanted to be the one on the top of the best seller list. I wanted to be the one Oprah called to be on her show. I wanted to be the one carting cash to the bank every day.

And none of that happened. For a long time I looked at this discrepancy as a puzzle to figure out. All I needed was the right combination of focus, opportunity, hard work, and luck and it would happen. I just needed to stick with it longer. Work harder. Network more. Market more. Be more visible. Get a mentor. Create more product.

Friends would scratch their heads and wonder in confounded voices why I hadn’t been discovered. “It’s just a matter of time, don’t give up,” they’d advise. And I’d hang on longer and buoy my lagging emotions back up and put on a happy face.

I had Destination Addiction. In my mind, unless I made the dream happen, nothing else mattered. I’d lost myself to the target. All this…the stuff my days were made of…none of it mattered. It was just a means to an end. Until I realized that the end was just an end – one I had envisioned as my nirvana. One my ego had chosen as its proof that I was worthy. One that no one, but me, cared much about.

How many billions of people have been born, traveled through life and died? That’s how many times we’ve tried to figure out why we’re here. After eons of best efforts, the way seems no clearer. We still reinvent the wheel with every new-born’s cry.

Here at the later stages of my life, I’m throwing out the rule book. It’s not worked for me so far. It feels like I’ve been playing poker with a  deck of tarot cards. It just doesn’t work. Instead, I’m not going to try to control every last element. I’m not going to work myself into a stupor. I’m not going to become addicted to the destination.

This time I’ll paying as much attention to the means as to the end. I’ll be present and look at the value of this day, not just tomorrow. I’ll honor my inner growth, not just an external accomplishment. I’m learning to pay attention, not control. If my self-chosen end isn’t my God-chosen end, then so be it.

My life is here to be used to serve. The avenue through which that happens is almost inconsequential. If I pay attention, I’ll be guided on this path to the fulfillment of my every hope. I’m learning, slowly, to listen with new ears and see with new eyes. Not to force, but to allow. Words I’ve heard, and even espoused, for a while…I’m finally learning the meaning of them. It’s a new path for me and so far, I’m enjoying it.

Karen Wright is the owner of www.wrightminded.com, a site devoted to personal development, aimed particularly at women, but definitely applicable to men as well. Karen also provides the Hearts-on-Fire Radio Show on BlogTalkRadio.